April Fools 2014I have been completely wrong! This morning I realized that I have been wrong about the ballpark, and everything else. What’s even worse is that I have been wrong about Susie Byrd, Beto O’Rourke, Steve Ortega, and Joyce Wilson. As if that wasn’t enough, I have been wrong about Foster and Hunt. Oh, and I almost forgot I have been completely wrong about the rampant El Paso corruption.

I was delivered an ultimatum last night, come clean or else. I have been given one last chance to explain to you why I have been wrong. In so doing, I have been promised that the consequences of my stupidity would be mitigated by my coming clean with all of you.

Therefore, let me explain to you why I have been wrong about so many things. You see, I misunderstood everything. I do not have the intelligence to understand the masterful strategic plan in place for the betterment of El Paso.

For example, I have been wrong about the rampant El Paso corruption. You see it was explained clearly to me that sending a text message to one politician insinuating that another politician can make things happen in Austin in return for engaging a lobbyist is just plain and simple politics. I was told that to insinuate that a quid pro quo between a lobbyist and a politician is criminal and that I would suffer the consequences of my foolishness. In fact, I was reminded that political corruption is part of the system with its own checks and balances.

You see, the politicians will ensure that those that are not on the same page, will be silenced and will never know what it is to be a respected member of El Paso. However, it was acknowledged to me that sometimes some instigators make it through the cracks. Other times, politicians seemingly in tune to the game plan turn out to be opportunists and that’s where the full force and weight of the public corruption cases come to bear. I was told that if I really believed that the public corruption cases were an attempt to weed out public corruption then it was just further proof of my madness.

I was told how irrational I was to even think that. The public corruption cases served two purposes I was told. First, sometimes you must appease the masses to keep them at bay. The public needs its scapegoats to remain oblivious to the masterful plans making their lives better. Other times, errant politicians must be reined in if they have strayed too far from the herd.

The ultimatum messengers also made sure that I understood that the drugs that cross over from Juárez into the US are a result of a masterful plan created for the benefit of El Paso. I was asked what did I expect the local police offices to do. Risk their lives to stop the drugs? Really, was the incredulous faces they made when I acknowledged this misguided thought. I was told that my mind is too simplistic to understand the reality of what is truly going on. I was told that the drugs are in reality allowed through as part of a much too complex strategy to strengthen El Paso’s position among cities like Austin, San Antonio and Santa Fe. How do you think we would complete with these cities, I was asked. By educating our workforce, they laughed. We don’t need to educate our people, we just need to dumb down the others, you idiot I was told. You have no idea how immensely successful the strategy has been for El Paso was repeated so many times that my mind became numb from the pounding headache. Besides, an educated population is much too difficult to keep under the spell of “it’s all good” that is needed to keep the plan in place I was reminded.

I was also told that I completely misunderstand the police department’s role in El Paso. You see, I was told, that I assume that the function of the police department is to apply the law equally, fairly, with integrity and without political strings. The fact is, I was told, was that the job of the police department is divided into two major functions. The first is to make sure that the city’s coffers are full. This serves two purposes. First, it funds the much-needed recreational activities of those that work so hard to make El Paso a much better place. It also keeps the un-conformists in check so that the city may continue to prosper.

More importantly, the function of the police department is to ensure that the citizens that work to make El Paso a better place are protected against the unjustness of those who do not understand how hard it is to make the city a better place. You see, the fact that a special, secretive police department investigates Ann Morgan Lilly for a second assault is not the nefarious thing I make it out to be. Rather it is about ensuring that the courageous people, like Ann Morgan Lilly, are protected from those who seek to take advantage of small lapses of judgment brought on by the tremendous pressures the politicians are under to make El Paso a better place.

I was also told that I must atone for the bastardization of the “It’s all good El Paso” mantra that I have been pushing all of these years. You see, it was pointed out to me that the city, and many people behind the scenes, have been creating this carefully crafted message for the good of all of the community. Every time I poke fun at it, I’m not only hurting the residents of the city but I am also wasting untold amounts of taxpayer monies because the hardworking people behind the “It’s all good” mantra must work extra hard to bring the message back to where it needs to me. My making fun of the “it’s all good” message destroys the illusions for El Paso’s prosperity.

Then the messengers went on to make me understand that I was delusional to think that Woody Hunt and Paul Foster’s ballpark was for their own benefit. They surrounded me and in uncertain terms explained to me that Hunt and Foster cared so much about their city that they were putting at risk all of their money to give El Paso the ballpark the citizens not only deserved but also wanted so desperately.

As for the local newspaper, it was pointed out to me, in no uncertain terms, that with Bob Moore’s numerous awards I should be grateful that he hasn’t taken me to task for writing about him. How dare I point out Bob’s failures to the community. The local newspaper is an asset to the city and the only reason I write about them is that they courageously report what the citizens of the city need to understand for the city to progress forth into prosperity. I was nothing more than jealous about their ability to carry the message to the masses; I was reminded repeatedly.

Finally, it was clearly brought to my attention that availing one’s self of the protections afforded by the US Constitution to keep government records secret is not only the right thing to do but also it is the honorable thing to do. I was told that Steve Ortega is a courageous politician that should be honored not only for the wonderful things he has done for the city but also for defending the right to keep the public’s records safe in his hands. You see people may think they have the right to know but the reality, according to those delivering the ultimatum to me, is that the people only need to know what politicians think they should know.

I was told that my writings about Jaime Abeytia is just a symptom of my jealousy because what Abeytia has done for the blogging community of El Paso is nothing short of miraculous. The ultimatum messengers told me that I have no right to label myself a blogger because my writing is not even a blip in the standards set forth by Jaime Abeytia for El Paso.

In fact, the reason my blog isn’t one of the “respectable ones” is because it is so mediocre that readers need a translator to convert my broken English gibberish into some semblance of a coherent sentence that in the end still makes no sense. Had I taken the time to learn from Jaime Abeytia on how to do a “proper” blog then I would be one of the “respectable” ones and there would be no need for the ultimatum. Look at how successful David Karlsruher has been with his blogging I was told.

You see, David Karlsruher learned to play the proper blogging game from Jaime Abeytia. Had I also learned to make up stuff, for the good of the city, then my family’s future would be in my own hands rather than facing today’s ultimatum. I was reminded that I was even too stupid to understand that the Max Powers character is one of those respectable bloggers because he knows how to play the lobbyist game for the benefit of the city.

Then the messengers got to the crux of my insanity by patiently sitting down and explaining to me the most egregious faults about my blogging. They pointed out that among all of my transgressions with my blog; the second most egregious one is that I write about El Paso politics when I don’t even live in the city. How dare you comment about El Paso when you live in Orlando was pointed out to me, over and over again.

Even more egregious, among all of my transgressions, is that I dare to comment about US politics when I am not even a US citizen. How dare I write about the US political landscape when I don’t even pledge to the US flag was repeated over and over again as the ultimatum was being delivered to me. What makes me think that I can avail myself of the constitutional guarantees if I do not belong to the people who have rights was recited as they pounded on the table.

It was sobering to wake up this morning and realize that I have been wrong all of these years. I have been drinking the Kool-Aid for far too long but with all addictions, it must now come to an end. You see, I was bought-and-paid for by the notion that I have some semblance of intelligence.

Now that I have atoned for my outlandish misbehavior and explained to you how I have been wrong, I was ready to accept the ultimatum.

Then I woke up and I realized today is the day I get to play practical jokes on all of my friends.

Happy April Fools Day everyone!

Martin Paredes

Martín Paredes is a Mexican immigrant who built his business on the U.S.-Mexican border. As an immigrant, Martín brings the perspective of someone who sees México as a native through the experience...

4 replies on “All of These Years I Have Been A Fool”

  1. It was pointed out to Peppers that criticizing the mordida was racist, that it is an old and honored part of Mexican culture and Anglos who prosecute Hispanics on the take don’t “get it.”

  2. Eight total comments for the last six “articles”? Even the trolls have stopped coming to this page.

  3. As I read this essay I became very curious as to what the ending would be, maybe waking up from a dream? Had forgotten what day it was till I read the penultimate paragraph and my vision took in the Happy April Fools greeting.

    Thanks for the reminder, I won’t get fooled today.

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